Cinderella at Buckingham Palace

Yesterday was a historical day for the UK: for the first time, Catherine Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, has worn a tiara at a public reception. The Queen must have noticed that some royalness was missing on that lady and had her put on a treasure from the Windsor’s coffers: the Lotus Flower Tiara, an Egyptian-style tiara with diamonds and pearls once belonging to the Queen Mother. Its magic was working while Kate was already in the car, making Kate’s glance determined rather than compassionate, comme il faut for a future queen. To be sure, the tiara is just on loan. Tomorrow back to loose hair and low-cost apparel.

Prince-Chasers

Prince-chasing is a common practice where royal dynasties are still reigning. As of today, the most sought bachelor is Harry, brother of William, the future king of England. His chasers cannot aspire to the title of queen, but they can still be her in-laws, which is not too bad. Actually, there would be more fun and fewer responsibilities. Prince-chasers are very well organized, frequent the same places, and mix with the same crowd of their preys. Theirs is a full time job and, in order to educate the future princesses, some etiquette seminars have been organized.

However, prince-chasers’ efforts may have been nullified, as it seems that Harry has given up the idea of remaining a bachelor eventually to entrust his heart to Cressida Bonas–rumors speak of an imminent engagement. Cressida is a young and fresh blonde with an aristocratic pedigree. She met Harry in a most natural way, that is, through Eugenie of York, daughter to Prince Andrew, brother of Charles, and therefore Harry’s first cousin. In fact, Cressida did not strive to meet Harry: she is not too sure of her desire of marrying him and feels still too young. Such an attitude must not be Waity Katie’s cup of tea, she who has endured William’s wavering for nearly ten years.

Cressida and Kate cannot be more different. The former is a laid-back, aristocratic blonde, while the latter is a strong-willed, calculating, bourgeois brunette. Cressida, not unlikely her boyfriend Harry, is a party animal, and loves to have fun with the carelessness only a true patrician can display. By virtue of her origin, this rich beauty was spared the humiliations and sacrifices that the future queen endured: as when Carole, Kate’s mother, was caught on TV chewing on a gum, with the air of the greedy mum elbowing her way to secure a future to her daughter. Despite her role, Kate was never able to say no to William, and her image is that of a sheepish and obliging wife. Like a country-girl waiting for her fiancé in the army, for William Kate gave up a real job, accepting a part-time position in a clothing store, to better accommodate the prince’s schedule demands.

At the time of William’s crush on Isabella Calthorpe, Kate managed to become the leader of a rowing team, so as to deliver the message that she is an emancipated woman. In truth, she had no choice: dating another bloke would have meant for her to be put aside for good.

For the irony of fate, Isabella Calthorpe is Cressida’s hot sister. At the end of some NSA fun, she has dismissed William without too many compliments. She did not want to become “the” queen, marking an episode that is likely to be the highest peak of contemporary feminism. With her William must have felt to be just a man, and not the prey of an aspiring queen.

 

A Low-Profile Christening, or the Middle-Class Delirium of a Future Queen

Little George, the third in the succession line to the throne of England will be christened in St James Palace Chapel.

In disregard of protocol, once again, Kate and William have decided to bend the rules, leaving out of the invitee list the flower of the British aristocracy, to the point that even Prince Charles’ siblings have been excluded. In other words, William has not invited his uncles, aunts, and cousins. Luckily, grandma the Queen has been spared the ruthless expunction. Still, even in such circumstances, space was made for the rampant bourgeoisie: George’s godfathers are William’s and Kate’s friends from college, with friendship triumphing over blue blood. The royal baby’s christening gown is going to be a replica of the original one that has been dressing royal newborns for more than a century. The cake, according to a common English tradition, is a frozen leftover of the wedding cake (in fact, this is supposed to be edibile up to two years after the wedding itself–two years that have well gone by). Of course, a strictly informal and not toxic reception is expected. As the Jordan river’s water provisions used for the christening dried up in the 1980s, water supply will be coming from London.

But something seems to be out of place in the big picture: Kate, who has been striving to conquer the heart of William, prince and future king of England, does not lose the opportunity to further the cause of the bourgeoisie. Kate has waited a year to enroll in the same college as the heir to the throne, has modeled half-naked in front of him, and has waited for ten years before getting married (she has even had to suffer to humiliation of William’s crush on prince Harry’s new girlfriend’s sister). Finally, when after much labor and commitment to the cause Kate got married, she decided to introduce an anti-monarchic virus into the system; as when her father, Michael Middleton took the official family picture in the setting of their social-climber villa, bought for some millions pounds, probably in competition with the Windsor, who did not even notice.

Explanations for Kate’s behavior:

–       Kate is in fact a spy trained by an anti-monarchic  group working for the destitution of the Windsor aimed at investing the money saved from the royal appanage in the installation of guillotines in London’s squares.

–       Kate’s middle-class complex, exacerbated by the phony crest and fantasy title (“Duchess of Cambridge” sounds faker than Monopoly’s money), cries vendetta against those born with blue blood with no transfusion needed.

–       Kate has interpreted literally her late’s mother in law nickname: “people’s princess.” Too bad Diana would never leave home wearing what her daughter in love dares to wear.

–       Kate is confused: she has just realized the real trouble she got herself into, and like all the in-law women of the Windsor, she trips her husband’s family.

In sum, if one has to play the monarchy game, one has to get into the role, with no hesitation and, especially, without pretending to have enthusiasm for the commoners’ way of living. Monarchy is a matter of jewels, sumptous dresses, and curtsies. If Kate wishes that girls keep dreaming of marrying a royal prince, she must put more effort, lest they might change their dreams (they can already afford H&M). Beware Kate: no one will ever want to identify with you if this is the way things are going….

Poor baby George, he is the victim of such a disgraceful attitude! When he is king, mum would impose on him a plastic crown and a polyester cape, causing a good laughter among his subjects.

Kate Middleton, Nothing Underneath

Her Royal Highness Catherine Elizabeth, Duchess of Cambridge, Countess of Strathearn, Baroness Carrickfergus. This is the complete title of Kate Middleton. Before marrying William, who was the second in the line of succession to the throne of England, for the press Catherine was simply “waiting Katie.” But we all know that patience is a virtue, that hope is the last thing you lose, and so forth. A bourgeois by birth, in her family tree Kate can list also some miners exploited by her spouse’s ancestors. It’s understood that this remark is all but divisive: it rather shows how love triumphs even after centuries of social hostilities.

Chance had no role in the encounter between William and Kate. It was all planned, thanks to two cunning parents, driven by the ambition of the bourgeoisie, which has always been, as the poet put it, the motor of the “magnificent and progressive fate.” Besides being the story of William and Kate, this is the story of Michael and Carol Middleton and of their solid marriage.

Both former British Airways employees, Michael and Carol manage to build up a highly remunerative business with a simple but effective idea: selling party pieces online. Once they reached the first level of social success, money, time came for climbing the social ladder. They were lucky enough to have two rather attractive daughters: one in particular, Kate, was prince William’s same age, so why not have her enrolled at St Andrews, the same college attended by His Royal Highness? The two students soon become friends and Carol urges her daughter to take part to as much social event as she can. A transparent and revealing dress will do the rest: Kate wears it at a fashion show that she knows William will be attending.

Is that true, profound love between two youngsters? Are feelings triumphing over centuries of combined marriages? That we don’t know. What we know is that Carol and Michael Middleton were smart enough to have a coat of arms designed for Kate when she was still nubile: “A shield parted in blue and red, crossed by a golden chevron, two silvery chevrolets, and decorated with three golden acorn sprigs.” And if one looks at it, it gives the impression of an old coat of arms, but it can’t certainly date back to more than five years ago and was probably made with Adobe Illustrator, a recent invention that, compared to the glorious history of monarchy, reveals its earthly rather than divine mechanisms.

The piling up of dusts and the spread of legends render sacred what rich, ambitious, and canny people like the Middletons imagined as visible emblem of their power. You can become an aristocrat as well as a princess. Give Carol and Michael a few more years and they will surprise you again: if necessary they will develop a posh accent, will learn to sit at a table more elegantly than Prince Charles, and to ride a horse like Zara Phillips, grand daughter of the Queen and silver medal at the last London Olympics.

To sum up: lots of sacrifice, some good ideas, and, especially, unflinching determination can make you earn millions of pounds. Then, you will be able to grant a future to your kids, having them study in the best schools of the kingdom. But in the end what really makes the difference is to model half-naked in front of the heir to the throne. And if the duchess after years of expensive college still displays some orthographic uncertainties, as it would attest a thank you letter Kate sent to Wimbledon’s All England Club in 2008; if culture is not on the top of her list of priorities, nor in the second position, well, it does not matter. Does this remind you of some people in the Italian cabinet, some former showgirl with a degree? Or some former dental assistant turned city counselor? Modern princess or parvenue? We’ll talk about it in one of our next posts.

Raul Bova. His Secret Life, 2

Anna Maria Bernardini de Pace, celebs’ divorce lawyer, has a new client: her daughter Chiara Giordano, wife of Raul Bova. The couple is indeed having a major crisis, as Giordano herself told in an exclusive interview to the Italian magazine Chi.

Raul Bova has been quite under the weather these days. After his troubles with the Italian IRS (he’s under investigation for tax evasion), and some health issues (he was recently admitted in the ER for an appendectomy), now he has to face separation. But there is not much to be happy for his female fans. Rumors speak of a third person entering the ménage: and that may not be a woman.

Many have hinted at Bova’s alleged homosexuality, and, all things considered, he does not enjoy the reputation of the stereotypical latin lover: no flirts and no crushes in the thirteen years he served as husband. To be sure, his wife is not exactly the type of woman you would expect next to a sex symbol like Bova, as in the case of Myriam Catania and Luca Argentero). She’s certainly good-looking, tall, and cheerful. But how many times have you thought: “Raul deserved more!” The nostalgics of the liberal sixties loved to see in Raul and Chiara one of those few instances of mature couple, where the role of woman-object was dismissed. And what do we have now instead? A scenario like that of the movie His Secret Life. Also, the inevitable clash with the mother in law is in sight, a man’s worst nightmare.